Wednesday, March 19, 2014
Monday, March 17, 2014
Cunnilingus Done Right: Part 3
What Should Your Mouth Do?
And now for the dirty details. I know, you’re hard just thinking about it.
Your tongue is a glorious muscle, and some are more glorious than others. I’ll offer some techniques that will work for pretty much everyone no matter how dexterous your tongue is, but some of what I’m about to say will just not be do-able for everyone - seriously, as a matter of genetics. Don’t beat yourself off if you can’t hit the advanced techniques, you can do plenty with just the basics.
How do you know which tier to aim for? Try these tongue exercises out for size to see which level you’re on:
1. Can you fold your tongue in half and stick it out? Flip it over on its side? Alternately, can you tie a cherry string into a knot inside your mouth (in under ten minutes, and hopefully closer to 30 seconds)? If so, congratulations, you’ve got advanced capabilities. Shoot for the moon.
2. Can you form your tongue into a loop? If yes, congrats, you’re still advanced. If not, don’t lose your boner - this ability is genetic.
3. Can you stick your tongue out and touch both your chin (anywhere) and your nose? If yes, try the advanced techniques, but feel confident in using the midlevel techniques well.
4. If you can’t do any of these things, it’s okay. I’ll tell you how you can “cheat” by using your hands a bit to make up for your lack of tongue dexterity (in Part 4), but otherwise you’re best bet is to stick to the basics and reach for the Medium Intensity techniques. If you answered “yes” to 1-3, try NOT to use your hands until you master the tongue-only tricks here, lest you get carried away with them.
The Basics
I’ll start with a few basic rules everyone should keep in mind while going down:
1. Maximize Contact. The biggest mistake dudes (and, occasionally, chicks) make is using what I’ll call the “Sword Tongue.” Sword Tongue is where you jab with the tip of your tongue (wherever you may choose to jab, it’s suboptimal) without making contact with any other part of your tongue or mouth. The classic example is the Bro who goes down and sticks his tongue out and shakes his head “no” with his tongue on the clit. Bro, you’re using a shitload of energy to do something that just feels weird for 99% of women out there and breaks every one of my basic rules. DON’T.
Instead, strive constantly to make contact with as much of her as you can at once, with the occasional liftoff. FLATTEN that tongue on the clit before you rub it back and forth. LAP from the vagina up over the clit and back, don’t poke at it. (NOTE: this isn’t true if you’re using advanced technique). I’ll talk more about techniques in Part 4 and about what to do with your flat tool, but for the moment consider this: what feels better - a chick with your whole dick down her throat rubbing her tongue on part of it, or a chick who touches you only with the very pointy tip of her tongue at once? Don’t answer aloud, I already know.
The sexes’ organs just aren’t all that different. We’re talking about the same tissues and the same nerve connections, ultimately. So, if you’re doing something to her you wouldn’t want done to your penis, check yourself. This starts with working to maximize the surface area of your contact.
2. Change Directions. If you lick with a flat tongue from where her clit/inner labia meet her vagina to the tip top of her slit, you’re probably gonna get a nice reaction. But don’t take that to mean that’s all you should ever do. Of course, when you get a happy moan, note what you did and repeat it. But remember: the more you do that one thing, the less effect it will have. I think the up-down is a solid place to start, but after about 20 seconds you’ll want to start mixing some other things in. Draw a sort of line with the center of your tongue (generally, this should be the point of greatest pressure if you’re going with the basics) in the shape of a Jewish star. Draw it in reverse order. That sort of thing.
3. Change Your Pressure. Heavy press can be great, especially if you build up to it. However, if you hold heavy pressure with as much contact as you’re making now (if you’ve been listening to me, anyway), you’re going to slow bloodflow to the area and that would be BAD. Your tongue should lift off the pussy after a hard lick, at least for a moment. And, if you wanna see her squirm, try thirty or so seconds of really light, sort of teasing licks, maybe in the crevices (see Part 4), and then dive in hard with serious pressure and a very quick tongue flick. Note what the variation did to her. That’s what you’re going for.
And now, if you remember nothing else from this whole treatise, remember this one rule:
4. Suck It! Let me put it to you this way, penis-holders: Which girl blows better - the one who sucks like an overactive Hoover or the one who just licks the head of your penis? Again, don’t answer aloud. Instead, kick yourself if you didn’t think of this before. Because, fucking duh. I’m constantly shocked by not only the number of men, but the number of LESBIANS who don’t do this. In fact, most of you can do basically nothing with your tongue and improve your technique by just sucking her clit (remember how we found that in Part 1?). So, do. Suck her clit. Suck it like you’re really into a Ringpop. Suck it gently like the foam on the top of a latte and hard like you’re siphoning gas out of a tank to flee approaching cops. Alternate these, just like you try to vary everything you’re doing. Try to keep your tongue on her sensitive bits (doesn’t have to just be the clit) while you suck. If you can, you’re ready to move on to the midlevel.
Medium Intensity
Once you’ve internalized the basics (and, be sure to take the time to get these down before you try any of the specifics here), you can try a few tricks that will make you seem like a rockstar even if you’re scoping your very first pussy.
All of these techniques are based on a pretty simple principle: nerve boredom. Something different and surprising is more stimulating than something familiar. This is not to say that you shouldn’t use those notes you made about which of her areas were sensitive to your machinations. This is about HOW you deploy your mouth on those areas. DON’T do the same thing for more than about 30 seconds. If something is getting a wild reaction, do it for 15-20 seconds, switch for a few seconds to something slightly different, then go back to it for 15-20 seconds, rinse, repeat. Don’t ruin it by making it monotonous, and follow useful tangents.
We talked about some of these variation interludes already: make some noises, some vibrations. Exhale through your mouth at least every now and then - the rush of warm air is decidedly different than the feel of a warm mouth. Suck hard and soft, intermittently.
In most cases, your core motion below the advanced level is going to be a circle with the flat of your tongue over the clit, and this circle should flow both clockwise and counter-clockwise. Make this circle bigger and then smaller as you go.
Vary the speed with which you circle, and try to maximize your speed during your faster circles to the extent your tongue can handle it. Think of this circle as your “base,” from whence you will go on some “missions.” “Missions” are things like exhalations, simple kisses of her most sensitive parts, hums, a quick lap or ten (not around the circle - like you’re lapping milk out of a bowl), a venture deep into the pussy in search of g-spot tissue, etc. Think about going on Missions to the advanced areas in Part 4.
Again, I’ve seen a lot of dudes who think if they shake their head “no” fast enough, they win. Sorry to break this to you, but usually that’s a woman faking an orgasm to avoid that kind of discomfort, and you look ridiculous. Don’t break her pleasure with comedy in this particular circumstance. You do want speed, but you want non-constant speed combined with precision. Please trust me on this. You CAN move your head to gel your tongue out, but do it with control to make sure your tongue stays where it can be useful.
At the medium level, there’s only one time I’d recommend Sword Tongue, though I don’t recommend you do it without trying to maintain some other contact with other parts of your mouth and her pussy:
If you’ve ever had a gay man blow you (or a woman coached by gay men, ahem), you might have had the pleasure of a bit of sucking around the base of your penis. You might have noticed that (I hear) it excites thanks to the connection to the inner parts of your organ that usually don’t get much attention. Some clitorii have the same magic button. Sword Tongue, especially when deployed within a suctioned (or at least contacting) mouth, is excellent for finding and caressing the crevices that equal the base of your penis on ladyparts. in my experience, these missions are highly successful.
Master of Cunnilingus
If during our little entrance exam you could loop your tongue or tie a cherry stem in a knot, there’s a lot more in your arsenal. Congrats! Try these tricks:
1. With your tongue flattened against her and your mouth at-or-near the point of a suction seal, move only the tip of your tongue. It might go into her vagina just slightly here, or may tickle the bottom of the clit while the top is under a different kind of pressure. Either way, the variation is a winner.
2. From the point where you have your tongue over her clit, fold the edges of your tongue around the sides of the clit like a hot dog bun, then continue your movements. She will often shudder with pleasure.
3. With your mouth holding suction over as much of her as you can manage, centered on the most sensitive part of the clitoris, roll your tongue from side to side like you’d grind your hips in the club. Think about the flat surface of your tongue forming an arc like a mouthguard just past your lips. This works well without the suction, too, but I promise you’ll get bonus points in your can suck and roll at the same time.
4. Also multitasking with suction, you can use a min-Sword Tongue, or basically a tongue flick, across the center of the clit. By center, I mean the most sensitive part. This isn’t necessarily the geometric center of the bulbous part of her clit, and the exploration you did in part 1 is key here.
5. Pull your tongue across the clit and change both the pressure and the amount of contact with your stroke. Basically, you’re trying to line up a combo of techniques for best results. So, you’re doing a long lap across her clit, but as you move upward you’re going from a flattened tongue to a Sword Tongue. Bonus points if you can do this while maintaing some suction. Ultra bonus points if you can do it with the hot dog bun of number 2 as the starting point, go to flat, and then go to the point. Repeat this as quickly as you can.
6. For a bit of a [good] surprise when you need a variation break, stick your tongue out in folded position with the folded edge against her clit (or other sensitive part) and let it flip unfolded against her.
So, now I’ve given you a lot to work on. Don’t be embarrassed to practice these tricks on your hand in the privacy of your own bathroom before you go down. It’s work that will be rewarded with moans, bucking hips, and maybe a little squirt.
Read on to Part 4 for some thoughts on where to hit and in what order for maximum effects, as well as more on how to know if you’ve made her come.
And don’t forget to buy up those copies of No Church in the Wild also on Kindle and iBookstore (great gifts for your bi-curious lady friends to encourage them to experiment) if you want to know how I fuck a girl without using my hand or my mouth.
And now for the dirty details. I know, you’re hard just thinking about it.
Your tongue is a glorious muscle, and some are more glorious than others. I’ll offer some techniques that will work for pretty much everyone no matter how dexterous your tongue is, but some of what I’m about to say will just not be do-able for everyone - seriously, as a matter of genetics. Don’t beat yourself off if you can’t hit the advanced techniques, you can do plenty with just the basics.
How do you know which tier to aim for? Try these tongue exercises out for size to see which level you’re on:
1. Can you fold your tongue in half and stick it out? Flip it over on its side? Alternately, can you tie a cherry string into a knot inside your mouth (in under ten minutes, and hopefully closer to 30 seconds)? If so, congratulations, you’ve got advanced capabilities. Shoot for the moon.
2. Can you form your tongue into a loop? If yes, congrats, you’re still advanced. If not, don’t lose your boner - this ability is genetic.
3. Can you stick your tongue out and touch both your chin (anywhere) and your nose? If yes, try the advanced techniques, but feel confident in using the midlevel techniques well.
4. If you can’t do any of these things, it’s okay. I’ll tell you how you can “cheat” by using your hands a bit to make up for your lack of tongue dexterity (in Part 4), but otherwise you’re best bet is to stick to the basics and reach for the Medium Intensity techniques. If you answered “yes” to 1-3, try NOT to use your hands until you master the tongue-only tricks here, lest you get carried away with them.
The Basics
I’ll start with a few basic rules everyone should keep in mind while going down:
1. Maximize Contact. The biggest mistake dudes (and, occasionally, chicks) make is using what I’ll call the “Sword Tongue.” Sword Tongue is where you jab with the tip of your tongue (wherever you may choose to jab, it’s suboptimal) without making contact with any other part of your tongue or mouth. The classic example is the Bro who goes down and sticks his tongue out and shakes his head “no” with his tongue on the clit. Bro, you’re using a shitload of energy to do something that just feels weird for 99% of women out there and breaks every one of my basic rules. DON’T.
Instead, strive constantly to make contact with as much of her as you can at once, with the occasional liftoff. FLATTEN that tongue on the clit before you rub it back and forth. LAP from the vagina up over the clit and back, don’t poke at it. (NOTE: this isn’t true if you’re using advanced technique). I’ll talk more about techniques in Part 4 and about what to do with your flat tool, but for the moment consider this: what feels better - a chick with your whole dick down her throat rubbing her tongue on part of it, or a chick who touches you only with the very pointy tip of her tongue at once? Don’t answer aloud, I already know.
The sexes’ organs just aren’t all that different. We’re talking about the same tissues and the same nerve connections, ultimately. So, if you’re doing something to her you wouldn’t want done to your penis, check yourself. This starts with working to maximize the surface area of your contact.
2. Change Directions. If you lick with a flat tongue from where her clit/inner labia meet her vagina to the tip top of her slit, you’re probably gonna get a nice reaction. But don’t take that to mean that’s all you should ever do. Of course, when you get a happy moan, note what you did and repeat it. But remember: the more you do that one thing, the less effect it will have. I think the up-down is a solid place to start, but after about 20 seconds you’ll want to start mixing some other things in. Draw a sort of line with the center of your tongue (generally, this should be the point of greatest pressure if you’re going with the basics) in the shape of a Jewish star. Draw it in reverse order. That sort of thing.
3. Change Your Pressure. Heavy press can be great, especially if you build up to it. However, if you hold heavy pressure with as much contact as you’re making now (if you’ve been listening to me, anyway), you’re going to slow bloodflow to the area and that would be BAD. Your tongue should lift off the pussy after a hard lick, at least for a moment. And, if you wanna see her squirm, try thirty or so seconds of really light, sort of teasing licks, maybe in the crevices (see Part 4), and then dive in hard with serious pressure and a very quick tongue flick. Note what the variation did to her. That’s what you’re going for.
And now, if you remember nothing else from this whole treatise, remember this one rule:
4. Suck It! Let me put it to you this way, penis-holders: Which girl blows better - the one who sucks like an overactive Hoover or the one who just licks the head of your penis? Again, don’t answer aloud. Instead, kick yourself if you didn’t think of this before. Because, fucking duh. I’m constantly shocked by not only the number of men, but the number of LESBIANS who don’t do this. In fact, most of you can do basically nothing with your tongue and improve your technique by just sucking her clit (remember how we found that in Part 1?). So, do. Suck her clit. Suck it like you’re really into a Ringpop. Suck it gently like the foam on the top of a latte and hard like you’re siphoning gas out of a tank to flee approaching cops. Alternate these, just like you try to vary everything you’re doing. Try to keep your tongue on her sensitive bits (doesn’t have to just be the clit) while you suck. If you can, you’re ready to move on to the midlevel.
Medium Intensity
Once you’ve internalized the basics (and, be sure to take the time to get these down before you try any of the specifics here), you can try a few tricks that will make you seem like a rockstar even if you’re scoping your very first pussy.
All of these techniques are based on a pretty simple principle: nerve boredom. Something different and surprising is more stimulating than something familiar. This is not to say that you shouldn’t use those notes you made about which of her areas were sensitive to your machinations. This is about HOW you deploy your mouth on those areas. DON’T do the same thing for more than about 30 seconds. If something is getting a wild reaction, do it for 15-20 seconds, switch for a few seconds to something slightly different, then go back to it for 15-20 seconds, rinse, repeat. Don’t ruin it by making it monotonous, and follow useful tangents.
We talked about some of these variation interludes already: make some noises, some vibrations. Exhale through your mouth at least every now and then - the rush of warm air is decidedly different than the feel of a warm mouth. Suck hard and soft, intermittently.
In most cases, your core motion below the advanced level is going to be a circle with the flat of your tongue over the clit, and this circle should flow both clockwise and counter-clockwise. Make this circle bigger and then smaller as you go.
Vary the speed with which you circle, and try to maximize your speed during your faster circles to the extent your tongue can handle it. Think of this circle as your “base,” from whence you will go on some “missions.” “Missions” are things like exhalations, simple kisses of her most sensitive parts, hums, a quick lap or ten (not around the circle - like you’re lapping milk out of a bowl), a venture deep into the pussy in search of g-spot tissue, etc. Think about going on Missions to the advanced areas in Part 4.
Again, I’ve seen a lot of dudes who think if they shake their head “no” fast enough, they win. Sorry to break this to you, but usually that’s a woman faking an orgasm to avoid that kind of discomfort, and you look ridiculous. Don’t break her pleasure with comedy in this particular circumstance. You do want speed, but you want non-constant speed combined with precision. Please trust me on this. You CAN move your head to gel your tongue out, but do it with control to make sure your tongue stays where it can be useful.
At the medium level, there’s only one time I’d recommend Sword Tongue, though I don’t recommend you do it without trying to maintain some other contact with other parts of your mouth and her pussy:
If you’ve ever had a gay man blow you (or a woman coached by gay men, ahem), you might have had the pleasure of a bit of sucking around the base of your penis. You might have noticed that (I hear) it excites thanks to the connection to the inner parts of your organ that usually don’t get much attention. Some clitorii have the same magic button. Sword Tongue, especially when deployed within a suctioned (or at least contacting) mouth, is excellent for finding and caressing the crevices that equal the base of your penis on ladyparts. in my experience, these missions are highly successful.
Master of Cunnilingus
If during our little entrance exam you could loop your tongue or tie a cherry stem in a knot, there’s a lot more in your arsenal. Congrats! Try these tricks:
1. With your tongue flattened against her and your mouth at-or-near the point of a suction seal, move only the tip of your tongue. It might go into her vagina just slightly here, or may tickle the bottom of the clit while the top is under a different kind of pressure. Either way, the variation is a winner.
2. From the point where you have your tongue over her clit, fold the edges of your tongue around the sides of the clit like a hot dog bun, then continue your movements. She will often shudder with pleasure.
3. With your mouth holding suction over as much of her as you can manage, centered on the most sensitive part of the clitoris, roll your tongue from side to side like you’d grind your hips in the club. Think about the flat surface of your tongue forming an arc like a mouthguard just past your lips. This works well without the suction, too, but I promise you’ll get bonus points in your can suck and roll at the same time.
4. Also multitasking with suction, you can use a min-Sword Tongue, or basically a tongue flick, across the center of the clit. By center, I mean the most sensitive part. This isn’t necessarily the geometric center of the bulbous part of her clit, and the exploration you did in part 1 is key here.
5. Pull your tongue across the clit and change both the pressure and the amount of contact with your stroke. Basically, you’re trying to line up a combo of techniques for best results. So, you’re doing a long lap across her clit, but as you move upward you’re going from a flattened tongue to a Sword Tongue. Bonus points if you can do this while maintaing some suction. Ultra bonus points if you can do it with the hot dog bun of number 2 as the starting point, go to flat, and then go to the point. Repeat this as quickly as you can.
6. For a bit of a [good] surprise when you need a variation break, stick your tongue out in folded position with the folded edge against her clit (or other sensitive part) and let it flip unfolded against her.
So, now I’ve given you a lot to work on. Don’t be embarrassed to practice these tricks on your hand in the privacy of your own bathroom before you go down. It’s work that will be rewarded with moans, bucking hips, and maybe a little squirt.
Read on to Part 4 for some thoughts on where to hit and in what order for maximum effects, as well as more on how to know if you’ve made her come.
And don’t forget to buy up those copies of No Church in the Wild also on Kindle and iBookstore (great gifts for your bi-curious lady friends to encourage them to experiment) if you want to know how I fuck a girl without using my hand or my mouth.
Thursday, March 13, 2014
Cunnilingus Done Right: Part 2
Part 2: Wait - Why Are You Doing This?
There is one word that describes every single above-average cunnilictor: ENTHUSIASTIC. This is why I told you in Part 1 you have to want to go down to do it right. If you’re afraid to get a face up in it, these techniques won’t work. On the other hand, they’re going to be WAY more effective if you show your ladyfriend how happy you are about pleasing her. Be obvious. Vocal. Hum with pleasure. Sigh with pleasure. Do it for at least two reasons:
1. Women come ONLY when their BRAINS are in the right place to come.
This happens when they feel safe, happy, comfortable. If they think you’re saying “oh this shit is NAST,” they will NEVER orgasm. On the other hand, if you make them feel safe and comfortable and think you find their pussy utterly irresistible, their pleasure can increase exponentially AND they will generally come more quickly and with greater frequency over time, as they become continuously more comfortable. (Pro Tip: If you make a woman come with your mouth and THEN penetrate her, she’s more likely to come from penetration, and will probably come more quickly. Plus you'll have figured out how to tell when it's happening.)
2. Vocalizations require vibrations, and vibrations are GOOD.
Purring, good. Sighing, rush of warm air, good. Even a little “mmm” hum, good. Don't sing the national anthem or anything, but be vocal. All different vocalizations in succession, even better. This isn’t just about women; I’ve hummed while I sucked a dick sort of whimsically and the dude basically had a pleasure seizure. His knees buckled. Here’s why: Any vocalizations will vary the part of her nerve endings that are activated and the way in which they are activated. This variation reawakens nerves that have become used to the other sensations you’re pimping. After you’ve thrown down those variations, the stuff you’re doing before will feel even better. (More on the power of variations coming up).
Unfortunately, I can’t teach you to be enthusiastic. I can only encourage you to be open about whatever enthusiasm you may have. All the techniques I discuss in this little treatise are going to work infinitely better if performed enthusiastically.
In the last chapter, I offered some suggestions on how to feel your lady friend out. If you took the time to complete that process, you’re already on the road to solid cunnilingal performance. Hopefully during that process you learned a few things about her:
Does she like you focused in one spot or did she respond to teasing in several different areas? If she responded elsewhere too, consider those spots your “secondary targets.” If you’re lucky, you have a few to work with.
Did she yelp or moan particularly when your tongue went inside her (just a little)? If she did, you may wanna start doing some lingual pushups, cause you can score big with an occasional trip inside.
Are her nipples really sensitive? If she was bucking when you touched her boobs (and, lordy, massage them. DON'T GRAB or SQUEEZE them like water balloons unless she's told you she likes that expressly, and keep the nipple-pinching occasional and teasing), get your hand up there every now and then while you’re going down. Because:
From here on out, you should be thinking about how you can stimulate her from as many directions as possible at once. Here’s a quick note on how the sexual brain works: When a human is aroused, s/he uses almost none of her reasoning brain and fires up the primordial, instinct based brain. When a human orgasms, the focus on the primordial brain is so strong that humans almost LOSE CONSCIOUSNESS (some women actually do, for an instant). If she starts paying an awful lot of attention to her phone, the TV, whatever, that’s your cue to start varying your technique. I’m going to talk at length about that in Part 4, but first, in Part 3, I’m going to tell you how to wield that enthusiastic little tongue of yours.
Tuesday, March 11, 2014
CUNNILINGUS DONE RIGHT, Part 1
Recently a ladyfriend and I found ourselves in a late-night Mardi Gras game of Kings Cup with a swinger straight married couple, two of us drinking from 2-foot Jester-shaped daiquiris. I know, I know: how could a night like that NOT end well?
Two days later, I found myself alone with the husband while ladyfriend and the wife were in the bathroom. As soon as they walked away, he'd turned to me and said "So, I think you should give me some tips."
"Tips on what?" I replied.
"On how to do whatever it is you did to make her scream like that the other night." Ladyfriend had, indeed, had a pleasant response to my overtures. But nothing unusual. Uneventful, even. I was drunk, with something of an audience... I wasn't at my best. Then I thought <i>this poor boy!<i> and I decided to explain a little bit about cunnilingus for the poor gents out there who don't have their own vagina to use as a reference.
Then I thought I'd make it a game - see how much boys really want to know (1) how to make a girl shake with and electrocution of orgasm and (2) how girls really are when they're getting it on with other girls.
And, thanks to Rap Genius, I can illustrate and share. I'll answer (1) here in this album - new chapters posting regularly. I'll answer (2) if I know people are interested, which I'll know if I sell more than 20,000 copies of my novel (links upon click), in which I begin to describe it.
How to Eat a Pussy Right
I’m gonna start with a preview: exhale through your mouth whenever you can remember to, but don’t pant. See, I’m giving you details. More to come. But first, some background, and a word of caution: you gotta like pussy to eat it right. If the thought of going down on a woman grosses you out, consider sucking a dick. Remember: THE MORE DESPERATELY YOU WANT TO EAT A PUSSY, THE BETTER YOU CAN BE AT IT.
Part 1: Know Her Anatomy
The first thing to understand is that there's more than one answer to this question, “Bacchus, how do I eat pussy right?” and it's your job to find the right answer (hang onto your boner, I'm gonna tell you how you go about it).
Every pussy is different, on the whole:
(Read a discussion about this piece and artist here)
Spend some time looking at the sculptures. Notice the diversity, the range. Some labia cascade out of the vagina cavity like dams bursting; some clits stay nuzzled totally inside along with the labia while she’s at rest. Most will change in appearance somewhat when they get aroused.
In men and women alike, some portion of the genitalia is internal. How much is internal depends on the person. Almost no women get the most achievable pleasure from a laser focus on a small area of the clitoris, including the classic and horrid rapid-fire poke some of you poor bastards attempt. Usually, a greater contact area that could include the folds around the clitoris, the inner and outer labia, the bridge to the ass, and the inside of the vagina is ideal. Yes, some of your tongues can get there, up in that vagina, all the way to the (sometimes) g-spot. Most tongues are bigger than Ken Jeong’s penis, and much more nimble. But not all women want you to go there, remember that.
Every clitoris is different, too. Some stick out more, others curl back heavily toward the vaginal wall on the opposite end. Some get more engorged than others. HOWEVER, if you notice NO swelling in the clitoris or the vagina as a whole while you are performing cunnilingus, YOU KNOW YOU ARE DOING A SHIT JOB. I’ve never seen one that didn’t swell just a little when it was happy. I’ll talk about what to do if you realize you’re doing a shit job later.
Don’t confuse the clitoris with the inner labia, please. Yes, they’re connected, and when the inner labia are about as thick as the clitoris you can expect that a woman will feel pleasure if you lick them, especially at the intersection point of clitoris/inner labia.
You’re probably going to get more results by identifying the scope of the clitoris and training your efforts there, however and attention to the clitoris should be, even if non-exclusive, more of a priority than tinkering with the inner labia. The clitoris will probably be the part that swells the most, and will probably be the most sensitive part. I’ve circled the clitoris and inner labia in different colors in a number of different pussies below. Note that you can’t always see them. Some folds gotta be pulled back. (Hint: inside these folds is where the vagina happens.) Try get an idea of what to expect, won’t you?
All the teal circles are clits; all the orange circles are inner labiae.
If a woman doesn’t shave/wax, you probably can’t do much with the outer labia. If she does shave, an occasional tangent in that direction might be beneficial - or totally unwelcome. After you understand how to use your tongue properly (See Part 3), try such a tangent out and see how it goes. I’ve circled the outer labia in a number of different pussies here to show you what they might look like.
In fact, the first thing you should do as you make your way down on a new woman (and, for the love of the gods, take your time getting there and show some love to the nipples/hips/thighs/etc. on the way) is get to know her in a sense more biblical than the biblical.
If you don’t know where to begin, think of her body as a dartboard with the clitoris at the center and her mouth at the upper edge, with about a million rings of scoring in between. You want your mouth to kiss along the edge of the dartboard in an inward spiral until you get to the bullseye, and then you just keep on kissing. We’ll talk about how to vary your intensity later.
This process is really about getting to know this particular woman, and if you’re in a rush, you should save it for when you have more time. Once you know the woman, you can skip the outer rings or start with intense stroke. But you’ll never do a good job if you don’t know this particular pussy well enough to please it, and it takes some time to get there. it’s worth taking the time to figure out what works for this lady first.
So, YOUR KISSING MOUTH SHOULD START SOFT. As you make your way as far around the dartboard spiral as you can on her body, try slightly harder strokes of the tongue, harder kisses, a little sucking. She may show pleasure by moaning or crying out or purring or simply with a tensing of the muscles. Pay attention to what she responds to positively, and, more importantly, if she responds to any level of pressure or particular action negatively. If she does respond to something negatively, eliminate it from your repertoire immediately, and note what it was about her reaction that seemed negative so you can be sensitive to it going forward.
As you follow the spiral down, make the concentric circles progressively smaller, but keep thinking like you’re kissing her mouth. In fact, you should try to make the last concentric circle with one unified, even-paced circle of the tongue that maps the border of the clitoris as it falls into the body. Let your tongue slide here; it’s one of the only times pointing it works well, and the pointed end should travel the circle around her clit so that it touches only the edge of the inner labia. Congratulations, you’ve found the clitoris. I hope you took some mental notes on what parts of her were also responsive on the way there. You’ll need those notes for Part 2, to follow, and don’t forget to check out the book here (free preview here on Rap Genius or on your Kindle).
Get ready for Part 2:
Two days later, I found myself alone with the husband while ladyfriend and the wife were in the bathroom. As soon as they walked away, he'd turned to me and said "So, I think you should give me some tips."
"Tips on what?" I replied.
"On how to do whatever it is you did to make her scream like that the other night." Ladyfriend had, indeed, had a pleasant response to my overtures. But nothing unusual. Uneventful, even. I was drunk, with something of an audience... I wasn't at my best. Then I thought <i>this poor boy!<i> and I decided to explain a little bit about cunnilingus for the poor gents out there who don't have their own vagina to use as a reference.
Then I thought I'd make it a game - see how much boys really want to know (1) how to make a girl shake with and electrocution of orgasm and (2) how girls really are when they're getting it on with other girls.
And, thanks to Rap Genius, I can illustrate and share. I'll answer (1) here in this album - new chapters posting regularly. I'll answer (2) if I know people are interested, which I'll know if I sell more than 20,000 copies of my novel (links upon click), in which I begin to describe it.
How to Eat a Pussy Right
I’m gonna start with a preview: exhale through your mouth whenever you can remember to, but don’t pant. See, I’m giving you details. More to come. But first, some background, and a word of caution: you gotta like pussy to eat it right. If the thought of going down on a woman grosses you out, consider sucking a dick. Remember: THE MORE DESPERATELY YOU WANT TO EAT A PUSSY, THE BETTER YOU CAN BE AT IT.
Part 1: Know Her Anatomy
The first thing to understand is that there's more than one answer to this question, “Bacchus, how do I eat pussy right?” and it's your job to find the right answer (hang onto your boner, I'm gonna tell you how you go about it).
Every pussy is different, on the whole:
(Read a discussion about this piece and artist here)
Spend some time looking at the sculptures. Notice the diversity, the range. Some labia cascade out of the vagina cavity like dams bursting; some clits stay nuzzled totally inside along with the labia while she’s at rest. Most will change in appearance somewhat when they get aroused.
In men and women alike, some portion of the genitalia is internal. How much is internal depends on the person. Almost no women get the most achievable pleasure from a laser focus on a small area of the clitoris, including the classic and horrid rapid-fire poke some of you poor bastards attempt. Usually, a greater contact area that could include the folds around the clitoris, the inner and outer labia, the bridge to the ass, and the inside of the vagina is ideal. Yes, some of your tongues can get there, up in that vagina, all the way to the (sometimes) g-spot. Most tongues are bigger than Ken Jeong’s penis, and much more nimble. But not all women want you to go there, remember that.
Every clitoris is different, too. Some stick out more, others curl back heavily toward the vaginal wall on the opposite end. Some get more engorged than others. HOWEVER, if you notice NO swelling in the clitoris or the vagina as a whole while you are performing cunnilingus, YOU KNOW YOU ARE DOING A SHIT JOB. I’ve never seen one that didn’t swell just a little when it was happy. I’ll talk about what to do if you realize you’re doing a shit job later.
Don’t confuse the clitoris with the inner labia, please. Yes, they’re connected, and when the inner labia are about as thick as the clitoris you can expect that a woman will feel pleasure if you lick them, especially at the intersection point of clitoris/inner labia.You’re probably going to get more results by identifying the scope of the clitoris and training your efforts there, however and attention to the clitoris should be, even if non-exclusive, more of a priority than tinkering with the inner labia. The clitoris will probably be the part that swells the most, and will probably be the most sensitive part. I’ve circled the clitoris and inner labia in different colors in a number of different pussies below. Note that you can’t always see them. Some folds gotta be pulled back. (Hint: inside these folds is where the vagina happens.) Try get an idea of what to expect, won’t you?
All the teal circles are clits; all the orange circles are inner labiae.
If a woman doesn’t shave/wax, you probably can’t do much with the outer labia. If she does shave, an occasional tangent in that direction might be beneficial - or totally unwelcome. After you understand how to use your tongue properly (See Part 3), try such a tangent out and see how it goes. I’ve circled the outer labia in a number of different pussies here to show you what they might look like.
In fact, the first thing you should do as you make your way down on a new woman (and, for the love of the gods, take your time getting there and show some love to the nipples/hips/thighs/etc. on the way) is get to know her in a sense more biblical than the biblical.
If you don’t know where to begin, think of her body as a dartboard with the clitoris at the center and her mouth at the upper edge, with about a million rings of scoring in between. You want your mouth to kiss along the edge of the dartboard in an inward spiral until you get to the bullseye, and then you just keep on kissing. We’ll talk about how to vary your intensity later.
This process is really about getting to know this particular woman, and if you’re in a rush, you should save it for when you have more time. Once you know the woman, you can skip the outer rings or start with intense stroke. But you’ll never do a good job if you don’t know this particular pussy well enough to please it, and it takes some time to get there. it’s worth taking the time to figure out what works for this lady first.
So, YOUR KISSING MOUTH SHOULD START SOFT. As you make your way as far around the dartboard spiral as you can on her body, try slightly harder strokes of the tongue, harder kisses, a little sucking. She may show pleasure by moaning or crying out or purring or simply with a tensing of the muscles. Pay attention to what she responds to positively, and, more importantly, if she responds to any level of pressure or particular action negatively. If she does respond to something negatively, eliminate it from your repertoire immediately, and note what it was about her reaction that seemed negative so you can be sensitive to it going forward.
As you follow the spiral down, make the concentric circles progressively smaller, but keep thinking like you’re kissing her mouth. In fact, you should try to make the last concentric circle with one unified, even-paced circle of the tongue that maps the border of the clitoris as it falls into the body. Let your tongue slide here; it’s one of the only times pointing it works well, and the pointed end should travel the circle around her clit so that it touches only the edge of the inner labia. Congratulations, you’ve found the clitoris. I hope you took some mental notes on what parts of her were also responsive on the way there. You’ll need those notes for Part 2, to follow, and don’t forget to check out the book here (free preview here on Rap Genius or on your Kindle).
Get ready for Part 2:
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